Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
