I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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