saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
