I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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