she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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