as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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