i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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