i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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