Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
