every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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