I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
