Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
