I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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