The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
