I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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