if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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