Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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