9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The uberlube is also flammable
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
