Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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