I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.