Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sober January is a disaster.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS