don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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