my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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