Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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