Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
