i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
