Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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