You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
