Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
