I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
someone owes me an orgasm
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
