i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
