it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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