Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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