just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
