if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He did a backflip because drugs
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
