Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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