how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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