Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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