I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She needs sedatives and a leash
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
