I'm jealous of your bromance
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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