I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
