if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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