if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
