He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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