On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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