Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize