I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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