So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
