my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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