What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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