i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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