I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
