yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
