I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
from now on my penis is your penis
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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