i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
