How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
