you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
