you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Houston, we have a blender
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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