I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
