I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
