4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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