My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
