Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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